Greetings. I suppose I’ll introduce myself.

You can call me Marcie. That’s what my friends call me, because yes, that’s what I look like. Peppermint Patty’s buddy. Put coke-bottle lenses on that girl over there, and that’s me. I even have those pants and that top.

This blog is going to be my space to track my struggle with what used to be manageable seasonal affective disorder, but I fear is starting to worsen into a serious bipolar spectrum thing. I eat a low-carbohydrate, mostly-paleolithic (ie diary- and gluten-free) diet, and I will be turning it up a notch and assuming a ketogenic diet as often as possible/convenient.

As I’m gradually settling into fall, getting back into the routine of my September-through-June seasonal job, I’m realizing that something went very wrong this past summer.

My typical pattern used to be like this: in winter, I’d be very lethargic, unmotivated, getting little joy out of usual activities, sleeping longer than nine hours, failing school, and wishing even my dearest friends and family would just fuck off. That is textbook depression, but it was manageable. In summer, I’d be active, fit, happy, a tad hyperactive, needing little sleep, very focused, getting things done, having a very active social life. Again, manageable – certainly not ‘mania’ of an alarming nature.

But something inside of me snapped this summer.

I spent hours on buses and trains, traveling thousands of kilometers. Crushes on strangers. Days on end with only a few hours sleep. Ideas and silly thoughts racing in my head as I fell asleep, and waking up in the same buzzing frame of mind. Benders, memory black-outs, and the horror of not remembering conversations – I can only assume I just babbled incessantly. Generally making an ass out of myself. Neglecting work (I still go in over the summer) and falling far enough behind to get jacked up by my boss. Extreme distractibility that I’ve never experienced before: leaving work with multiple tasks started but left unfinished. And as I’m coming down from it – I hope I’m coming down from it – I’m looking at monster credit card bills, a messy house, a neglected yard, and little to look forward to.

So I’m a little worried.

In addition to my history of depression, you can tack on EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified.) That will probably be relevant.

I’ve never actually sought medical help or an official diagnosis for either of these conditions. Why? The usual reasons, I guess. I’m too stubborn to go the doctor. Actually, I don’t even have a doctor to go to. More importantly, I have little faith in the treatment options and I refuse to try pharmaceuticals unless (a) my life has become utterly unmanageable, and (b) I’ve exhausted all other options. I’m pretty opinionated on the pharmaceutical-medical-industrial complex. There is no such thing as a fluoxetine deficiency, folks. It is, however, well demonstrated that deficiencies in vitamin D and omega-3 FAs (just to name two examples) cause the kind of problems that I’ve experienced. Doesn’t it make sense to try correcting deficiencies before experimenting with potentially dangerous, poorly-understood drugs?

I guess now is as good a time as any to confess the relevance of the eating disorder: it’s part of the reason I refuse to try pharmaceuticals. The weight gain would freak me out ten times as much as your run-of-the-mill winter depressive episode.

For the record, there is no need to worry for my safety. One thing I do have going for me is realism, a lack of delusion, and I know myself well enough to be able to seperate myself from the illness and say, “okay, this is just my brain playing tricks on me.” That development was a huge turning point for me when I was younger; the self-hatred was gradually replaced with a reasonable dose of self-esteem, even while depressed. It’s certainly calmed the ED (though not entirely.)

I have been eating a low-carb diet for more than five years now. This alone made a huge difference in my depression and anxiety. I firmly believe that low-carb eating, plus a good supplement regimen, made my SAD manageable these last few years. It’s worth noting that I was eating really shitacularly from about February onward this year. Sloppy eating begets more sloppy eating and neglect of other good habits. This could have created a real downward (or upward?) spiral that contributed to my general insanity this summer.

Hence, I’m committing myself to one final old college try at self-management of depression and/or possible bipolar disorder this winter, before throwing in the towel and seeking medical treatment. I want to make this semi-public because there is precious little research on low carb eating, ketogenic diets, and the affects of food intolerances (ie casein and gluten) on mental illnesses. If I can be one interesting little case study, as scientifically flawed as that is, and it helps someone in a similar situation, that’ll be nice. Otherwise, it’s just my spot to log what I’m doing and keep myself motivated. It is a big commitment, especially as winter progresses and I’m back to doubting that there’s any point in anything.

Comments are welcome and encouraged, if you have a remote clue. Vegan, fruitarian, raw, and other unscientific ridicule-worthy propaganda will be deleted or mocked. Take your debate to a forum where it’s welcome.